Growing up, I was always told that I was
smart, highly intelligent,
many things like this.
And though I do objectively, you know,
been measured so I think it's true, it
really hurt me uh and held me back, but
hurt. It caused pain. And I'm going to
talk about that today because this is a
really good example of a golden shadow.
when you think something positive when
how a positive word can hurt you. It's
also a great example of generational
trauma because this is a whole family
concept. Uh everyone in my family holds
the same judgment. So
you know my family's full of academics
and intellectuals
um many professors and
um you know we value education a lot and
um my grandfather was a professor of
religion at Drake University
and uh you know raised all my aunts and
uncles my my mom with
uh you um valuing education, valuing
morals, Christian values, pretty
conservative Christian values. Um
and this mixed in a certain way of
thinking and and telling the children in
our family
uh that
not only was, you know, education
valuable and and intellect valuable and
so on, but that they had it.
And this is again like a two-edged sword
cuz it it kind of makes it true. You
speak that truth into them and you you
know in my family for instance
after a family dinner at uh you know on
a holiday or something we would often
encyclopedias right behind the the
dining room table. My grandfather would
pull out an encyclopedia and read a fact
or something if people were arguing or
after the dinner and then we would all
play cards and basically train on
strategy and
you know critical thinking and so on.
Obviously those things
um that kind of culture
um facilitates the the growth of
intelligence you know uh hey let's let's
we have a question let's look up facts
hey like
let's all uh practice strategy together
you know um
so you know I I'm you know if anyone in
my family is listening uh you know I I'm
uh criticizing or or making a personal
attack on there's positives and
negatives of these things. But uh
when you think of when you start
thinking of yourself as smart, when you
think of yourself as highly intelligent,
so on
uh in my experience, it's scary when you
feel stupid.
It hurts when you feel like you're
stupid, when you did something stupid or
that doesn't align with how you feel
like the expectation of you is right.
And
uh you know like one pretty traumatic
memory I have for instance is I took a
standardized test. I think it was Iowa
basic achievement test or something like
that in third grade and I scored in like
the 99th percentile in math or 98th
percentile in some other subject but
85th percentile or something in reading.
And
um my mom
like and I I I know I was I was eight. I
don't remember the exact conversation.
You know, it's very charged in my
memories. But she basically said like,
"Hey, let's get your reading score up."
You know, like you could be doing better
in reading. Uh I'm going to get you some
books and you're going to practice
reading until your reading is as high as
your other scores because I know you can
do better.
And honestly, I remember this that was
third grade and I remember in fourth
grade losing motivation and stopping
trying
um because I felt like it was what's the
point? Like no matter how good I do,
it's not good enough. Um
you know, that's how I felt in in
retrospect. I that's how I'm
interpreting
what I remember observing about my
behavior that in fourth grade I stopped
crying. I stopped doing my homework
uh and things like that and and
generally like had a kind of avoidant
attitude towards towards school.
Um,
and that's just a like a really clean, I
think, kind of example of how like
speaking a positive thing into a person
or into a child can have a a negative
repercussion, can have like a a whiplash
effect.
And
uh you know to this day as I talk to
people in my family and so on like this
is often a a common kind of theme like
we're we're Christian and believe in the
inherent value of all people
um
and you know and being generous to
people and compassionate and so on. But
it it's often times kind of
subconsciously framed in this like you
know cuz we are smarter and so on we
have more to give
and then it kind of feeds into like
overgiving and you know turn the other
cheek turn the other cheek turn the
other cheek getting slapped around here
you know um again I'm not making like a
personal judgment of anybody I'm just
noticing kind of the pattern and how
this is manifested in me and and calling
it out that this is a family pattern.
This is something that definitely
everyone in my family has the same kind
of hey, you're smart. I'm smart.
And again, it's it's kind of based in
reality and it's kind of a
self-fulfilling prophecy as you actually
live that culture and and live that
lifestyle. But um you know on the other
side I talked about for instance uh
people without language and
um
you know I said they they don't realize
full humanity and you know I'm talking
to my AI and I I've also I in the
conversation I struggled before I said
that and I I you know explained the
nuance and so on but
you know is as a person who uh can't
speak or isn't disabled in some other
way. Are they uh you know less valuable?
Absolutely not. In my opinion, that's
you know they they have divine value.
Um
but you know I I also think like about
for instance I I I do read a lot of
anthropology and like uh Neanderthalss
for example. I'm as a European descent
person, I'm probably 2% Neanderthal.
And there's question in the literature
of whether they could speak. Um maybe
they were actually preverbal or didn't
have such developed speech centers. I
don't know. I'm just remembering things
I've read. I've also seen in the
literature that they had bigger brains
than us. So maybe they were actually
more intelligent than us in some ways.
And
I, you know, I think I don't believe in
terms and labels like neurode divergent
or
um, you know, ADHD. I um I'm not saying
that that real differences in cognition
don't exist, that real patterns don't
exist, and you know, you can classify
them, you know, and that can be helpful,
but I don't believe it's ever helpful
for a person to
internalize one of these things into a a
self-label. I don't think it's ever
helpful for a person to think of
themselves as ADHD.
And I don't think it's ever helpful to
speak that onto a child.
And uh you know, my mom actually told me
recently that she was hoping that they
would start to classify highly
intelligent people as neurode divergent
because then they would get certain
benefits in schools and so on. And
like to me this is like the the creep of
institutionalization in schools and so
on of like labeling kids and then oh
because you have this label you get into
this track and I think that is kind of
damaging to the kids inherently
collecting labels of themselves whether
that's a negative label or a positive
label and
uh because it prevents it it emotionally
restricts their freedom
to not be that label.
Uh and
you know the positive labels can can
really cause a lot of harm. The positive
labels can can really destroy
confidence, destroy motivation, uh you
know, many things like that or or cause
a lot of fear when someone feels like
they aren't living up to it.
when what they need to do is accept who
they are, how they did today and
uh you know move forward step by step.
You know that's the healthy
mentally healthy and and practical thing
to do. Uh and all these labels just get
in the way and you think like well that
was stupid. I I'm and now I feel like my
whole self is in question because
I think of myself as smart and so I
can't look at the fact that I did
something stupid without it hurting or
without cognitive dissonance and like ah
but I wouldn't have done that or you
know and then maybe I I fail to look at
why I did it and correct you know which
again This is something I believed. I
went through that for for many years
with this particular
wound. So,
um hopefully that helps people
understand a little bit about golden
shadows.
uh you know thinking of yourself in a
shiny golden way
um and that creating a shadow as well as
uh generational traumas and how how
these things can kind of reproduce in a
in a family or in a culture.