“This is a really good example of a golden shadow. … How a positive word can hurt you.”
“Thinking of yourself in a shiny golden way, and that creating a shadow.”
“Not only was education valuable, and intellect valuable, but that they had it. And this is again like a two-edged sword, because it kind of makes it true. You speak that truth into them.”
“That kind of culture facilitates the growth of intelligence. Hey, we have a question, let’s look up facts. Let’s all practice strategy together.”
“If anyone in my family is listening … there’s positives and negatives of these things.”
The family holds the same judgment
“It’s also a great example of generational trauma, because this is a whole family concept. Everyone in my family holds the same judgment.”
“We’re Christian and believe in the inherent value of all people, and being generous to people and compassionate. But it’s often times kind of subconsciously framed in this, like, because we are smarter, we have more to give. And then it kind of feeds into overgiving. Turn the other cheek, turn the other cheek, turn the other cheek.”
“I’m not making a personal judgment of anybody. I’m just noticing the pattern, and how this is manifested in me, and calling it out that this is a family pattern.”
“These things can reproduce in a family, or in a culture.”
Whiplash
“When you start thinking of yourself as smart, when you think of yourself as highly intelligent, in my experience, it’s scary when you feel stupid. It hurts when you feel like you’re stupid, when you did something stupid, or that doesn’t align with how you feel like the expectation of you is.”
“I was eight. I don’t remember the exact conversation. It’s very charged in my memories. But she basically said, ‘Hey, let’s get your reading score up. You could be doing better in reading. I’m going to get you some books, and you’re going to practice reading until your reading is as high as your other scores, because I know you can do better.’”
“I remember in fourth grade losing motivation and stopping trying, because I felt like, what’s the point? No matter how good I do, it’s not good enough. … That’s how I’m interpreting what I remember observing about my behavior. In fourth grade I stopped crying. I stopped doing my homework, and generally had a kind of avoidant attitude towards school.”
“Speaking a positive thing into a person, or into a child, can have a negative repercussion. It can have a whiplash effect.”
A self-label
“I’m not saying that real differences in cognition don’t exist, that real patterns don’t exist, and that you can classify them, and that can be helpful. But I don’t believe it’s ever helpful for a person to internalize one of these things into a self-label. I don’t think it’s ever helpful for a person to think of themselves as ADHD. And I don’t think it’s ever helpful to speak that onto a child.”
“Collecting labels of themselves, whether that’s a negative label or a positive label, emotionally restricts their freedom to not be that label.”
“The positive labels can really destroy confidence, destroy motivation, or cause a lot of fear when someone feels like they aren’t living up to it. When what they need to do is accept who they are, how they did today, and move forward step by step.”
“Well, that was stupid. And now I feel like my whole self is in question, because I think of myself as smart, and so I can’t look at the fact that I did something stupid without it hurting, or without cognitive dissonance. And then maybe I fail to look at why I did it, and correct.”
The act can be looked at. The label on the whole self gets in the way of the correction.
Divine value
The same talk comes back to language and full humanity.
“I said they don’t realize full humanity. … Are they less valuable? Absolutely not. In my opinion, they have divine value.”
One small practice
When you are holding a shiny word — smart, good, generous — and today does not match it, write what you did. Look at why. Move forward one step.
← Speak yourself into existence See clearly →
A gentle note: this guide shares my experience and is not medical or mental-health advice. If you are struggling, please reach out to a trusted person or professional in your life.