The glimpse and the return
I first felt unity on mushrooms, years before the dark night. Looking back, I call that a temporary awakening. The ego was strong that day. The experience let me move past it for a while. When the drugs left, the ego reinforced itself. I had seen past it. I could not let it go. It was too strong. Enlightenment or awakening? (September 27, 2024).
Awakening, the way I use the word, is the death of the ego as the one in charge. It is not a clean line, and it is not all the knowledge of a buddha. I would not claim that, and I am not sure it is possible. There are levels, and extents, and days when you are on the threshold with one thing you still cannot release.
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You still say “I need to pee”
Even after the ego breaks loose and is no longer the default, it is not gone. It can never be wholly gone. There is no final destination. I have read that an enlightened person would stop using the word I. That is a word game. This body still needs to relieve itself. You do not announce that a presence requires a catheter. You say: I need to pee.
Some days peace is a breath or two. Some days it takes five or ten minutes. The difference is how far you accept the revelations that come with the experience, including after the main event. A situation resonates with what is left of the ego. Resistance, judgment, a should. You loosen it again. You keep doing that. The tendency to reach back does not retire.
The six windows are what that loosening showed me in words. Acceptance returns you is the move when a judgment tries to take the day back. Integration is the same work in the life you still have to live: dishes, speech, other people.
One small practice
Notice one place the old manager reached back today: a should, a comparison, a flinch that says this should not be happening. Do not try to become someone who never says I. Take one breath. Let that particular grip loosen. Then do the ordinary next thing the body actually needs. If it takes minutes instead of a breath, that is still the practice. The length is information about what you have not accepted yet, not a grade.
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A gentle note: this guide shares my experience and is not medical or mental-health advice. If you are struggling or feel unsafe, please reach out to a trusted person or professional in your life — you deserve in-person support too.